Off World Backup foolishly promises superior up-time, service and post-apocalyptic availibility. However, due to the nature of the Internet and of typical apocalypses that we've experienced, Off World Backup cannot guarantee that websites, email, databases, and your personal existence will not experience interruptions. We're just being realistic about this. You should, too.
Off World Backup's on-world service provider, WonderStaxis, backs up websites, files, and databases on a nightly basis, and retains backups for two weeks or so. In the event your service is interrupted or deleted or everything blows up, or you would like it restored, Off World Backup will attempt to restore it from the last available backup. Our catastroficationated offworld data armorbanks will keep your files safely backed up offworld for up to 52,000+ sun cycles. Pretty cool, right? In the event of an earth-shattering event, Off World Backup will attempt to restore your files as soon as civilization once more takes hold on Earth and has constructed a new system of language. Please note: there is no guarantee that this new emergence of communication will be able to operate our current system.
Off World Backup purchases disk space and bandwidth from its service provider. Off World Backup reserves the right to adjust quotas and pricing based on your utilization and level of honest paranoia. In the event of an apocalypse, Off World Backup reserves the right to accept alternate forms of payment including, but not limited to, canned goods, medicine, Twinkies, air freshener, and surviving pop culture artifacts.
Off World Backup's support team is available weekdays from 9 am to 5 pm LST. Call 312-895-4981 extension 2 or email support@Off World Backup.com. Of course, we're off on whatever new holidays we elect to create to replace the old ones, though our Galaxial satellite network will allow us to stay available by SATComm even in the case of an apocalypse or an altogether-missing planet.
You may disable your Off World Backup account at any time. If you elect to do so, your Off World Backup service will continue through the remainder of the current billed month. An account at the Bank of Mars or the Lunar Explorer's Credit Union is necessary to ensure that payments continue after Earth is destroyed. Just because the planet's gone doesn't mean it's not business as usual, ya dig?
Off World Backup will continue to provide services and will renew automatically every month until you elect to discontinue automatic payment within your account settings or the sun goes supernova. If you have lost all capability of communications due to the apocalypse, we reserve the right to continue to invoice you...because how are we supposed to know?
Off World Backup may revise these terms and conditions for its services at any time without notice. That's probably going to happen a lot as we're all probably going to be bored out of our minds. Expect it to change about once a week. By using this service you are agreeing to be bound by the current version of these Terms & Conditions as well as the current version of crazy.
Any claim relating to Off World Backup's site and service shall be governed by the laws of "two men enter, one man leaves," without regard to its conflict of law provisions. This is not a joke. We have a big cage and two chainsaws.
